Funnel Cake Bacon Cheeseburger




  • 2 cups milk
  • 1 egg
  • 2 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 stick melted butter
  • 80/20 grass fed chuck (might be a bit lean for some, sorry for wanting to eat #healthy)
  • Bacon Strips
  • Brown Sugar
  • Strawberry Rhubarb Ketchup
  • Arugula
  • Taleggio Cheese


  1. In a large mixing bowl, combine the milk, eggs, and melted butter then whisk until smooth. In a separate (but equal) mixing bowl combine the flour, smoked paprika, black pepper, salt, and baking soda and whisk until evenly disseminated. Slowly whisk the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients until you have smooth, sludge-like mixture. This is called batter. Tastes good when you fry it.
  2. Pour the batter into a $.99 squeeze bottle from your local grocery store — or a pastry bag for the homies with a job — and make the opening roughly 1/4 in in diameter.
  3. The key in making these funnel cakes into functional buns is the size of your pot; it’s going to frame the borders of the funnel cake, so you need something reasonably small. Or not, who cares. I used a 1 qt sauce pan, filled it halfway up with oil, and got it up to 375 degrees. You just do you homie.
  4. Take the squeeze bottle full of batter and squirt it erratically it erratically at your oil. Go crazy kid, this is your time to shine. The batter should start to disperse near the sides of the pan, so keep squirting ’til you’ve gotten a reasonable amount in there.
  5. Flip after a minute or two — you’ll know when it’s time — and cook on the other side for about 30 seconds. Remove from oil, drain on a paper towel, and dust your fried batter lattice with smoked parika.
  6. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.
  7. Lay your bacon strips on a cookie sheet and throw ‘em on in. After 10 minutes, drain some of the bacon grease and flip the strips. Add a hefty layer of brown sugar on top and throw them back in for 15 minutes, or until delightfully candied.
  8. Heat a heavy bottomed skillet on medium high with 1 tsp of vegetable oil, just enough to coat the pan. Form your ground beef into appropriately sized (big enough for the funnel cake buns) patties and liberally season with salt and pepper.
  9. Sear the burger for 2 or 3 minutes o one side, then flip it and add a fatty slab of taleggio cheese. Sear the other side for 2 minutes, or whatever you think seems appropriate. Don’t overcook those burgers though. Don’t you dare overcook those burgers you sick son of a bitch.
  10. Layer the burger as follows: funnel cake / strawberry rhubarb ketchup / cheesy burger / candied bacon / arugula / more ketchup / more funnel cake. Drop some powdered sugar on there to increase the glycemic index (spikes post-workout insulin bro) and shove it in your face hole.

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